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By Eithne (Eithne) on Wednesday, February 27, 2002 - 07:55 am
Note: I broke the rules (incomplete sentences, broken up paragraph) on the first one, so here are two versions of part one, the first attempt and the follow the rules attempt. Part One( First Attempt): �Smells like rain�, says Old Tom. �Yup, I spose so�, Frank grunts back. A cigarette hangs from his mouth. Smoke is going in his eyes. He doesn�t seem to mind. He doesn�t even notice. �Taint no clouds yet.� �Nope� Old Tom leans back in his chair. He puts his feet up. He sips from a bottle of beer. Picks up a twig. Scrapes some dried manure off his boot. Tom gets a broom from inside. He sweeps the porch, empties the ashtray. Time passes. A truck drives by, stirring up dust. The driver waves out the window. �Idn�t that Joe�s Kid?� asks Frank. He gets out another unfiltered cigarette. There�s an American eagle on his lighter. �Where�d he get the truck?� � And who�s the girl?� Tom adds. �Probly her truck.� They both laugh. It�s a deep, rough sort of laugh. This sort of laugh comes from experience. The laughing causes Frank to cough. He flicks his cigarette into the dust. Smoke spirals up into the still air. The two men watch. Time continues to pass. Part One (Follow the rules attempt): The old farmhouse is on Maple Street. Livestock roam in the yard. Chickens peck along side the road. Cicadas buzz from nowhere. The air smells of alfalfa and horses. It's August. Two men sit on the porch. They are neighbors, Frank and Old Tom. They have been here forever. These two are men of few words. Frank smokes and Tom studies the sky. There is the possibility of rain. A truck passes, stirring up dust. Chickens cluck worriedly and scatter. Tom and the driver exchange waves. A coarse chuckle escapes from the porch. It is a lazy sort of laughter. In the excitement, Frank starts coughing. Tom pats him on the back. Late afternoon sun filters through the trees. Sunlight illuminates sparkling dust particles. The two men fall silent. Chickens cautiously return to the street. The dust slowly settles. Part Two: Alice has gone into the kitchen to put on the kettle for our tea; because, as always, I am in need of tea if I am to spend more than a few minutes at Alice�s house, for there is something about this place that lends itself to tea drinking; sort of a lingering heaviness, a sleepy dimness, not happy, not sad, not dark, but definitely not bright either, it leaves me feeling tired and not entirely aware, this seems a good place to lay around and not get anything done ever, but than again; the house is meticulously clean and any clutter or ball of dust would break the stillness, so clearly, one could not really laze about and still feel comfortable in this house, as it�s calm neutrality can just as easily become stifling, like being trapped under a blanket or being sedated and unable to sleep at the same time, if I lived here I would have to spend a lot of time out doors, which may partially explain why Alice has the most spectacular flower garden in town, although; the garden itself has a similar sort of feeling except brighter and happier, however; it is in no way invigorating as many gardens are; it�s more along the lines of the field of poppies in the Wizard of Oz, narcotic in a sense, which may be why I am so very fond of Alice�s garden, and I must admit I�ve tried to emulate it on my own property (as have many others), and while my garden is lovely in it�s own right my attempts in no way compare to what Alice has achieved here, either in appearance or in feel, in fact, I think when Alice returns I will suggest we have our tea outside today, she has set up so many inviting little places to linger, it seems a shame for them to go unused, and like an answer to my thoughts, I�m beginning to feel strongly that the house would prefer some privacy, although; I�m not sure that the garden will prove any more welcoming, for even though this is Alice�s place it is subject to it�s own peculiar set of moods and whims. |
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By KateC (Katec) on Friday, March 08, 2002 - 10:55 am
Frank and Tom are no doubt somewhere in Cave Junction, Oregon. I love the first attempt. The dialogue and description flow nicely, even with short sentences. I can smell the air and hear the cicadas. The second one doesn't flow as well, but is still vivid, and I liked the chickens. Part 2 is beautiful. I love the sleepy, yet not entirely benevolent tone of it. And the way the long sentence goes on and on fits the soporific, deadening feel of Alice's house. Great job! |
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By Katie (Katie) on Thursday, March 14, 2002 - 12:12 pm
Enjoyed both pieces very much. The pt. 1 first attempt was easier to read because it made me feel like I was sitting on the porch with Frank and Tom. The second attempt seemed so much more distant. Again, the use of dialect is engaging and was well executed with short sentences for this exercise. I recognize these guys in some ways, which makes me care about them, and I don't recognize them in other ways which makes them intriguing. Pt. 2 was totally different, rich with emotions and notions and social commentary with such simple characters/players (flowers, tea, two peole, one house). I could get lost there for hours I'm sure. Comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. Really nice, subtle conflict. Please check out the use of the semicolon. I don't think it works after "although" or "however" and maybe not needed before the first "because". |
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By Eithne (Eithne) on
Thursday, March 14, 2002 - 01:35 pm
Ok, Ok, I know I'm not supposed to respond--so shoot me:-) Once upon a time I had an English teacher who insisted that I put a semicolin after any word like however, or therefore, etc. I got a little red mark every time I tried to use a comma instead, regardless of the content of the sentence. To be honest, I never totally understood why! As far as I know the logical use of a semi-colin is to seperate two closly related clauses. This particular teacher really liked the ; and used it at every opportunity. It could be that it belongs before the however (;however,),(that seems to work better)and I just transposed the rule in my mind at some point. I didn't even notice I was doing this until you called my attention to it, so thanks. Anyway, to get to the reason I replied, does anyone have a copy of Strunk and Whites? Now I'm curious what the rule on however and therefore is and what that type of word is even called. BTW: I totally agree with you about the 'because' the first line. Carefull proof-reading is not my strong point! |
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By Katie (Katie) on
Thursday, March 14, 2002 - 03:42 pm
I have a copy of S&W somewhere in storage, but I looked it up on line on a -who knows if I should believe them -type site. It said "; however," was common and accepted. Gotta pick up my papa at the airport now! (The guy who bought me the S&W that is now in storage) |
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