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By AlmaDea (Almadea) on Tuesday, February 12, 2002 - 11:44 pm
The wind blew wild plucking the leaf from its branch whirling it away in a gust that lifts it up to the sky and then down past the tree and all the others whisking it away towards the streetlamp illuminated briefly and dancing whirlygig around the moths that flutter and send it away down past the window where inside two lovers are rocking back and forth then gasp and the leaf continues its path rising and falling and fluttering into the courtyard past the man lying in a pool of piss and tattered clothes breathing alcoholic fumes blowing the little leaf up to the next window that reflects the light from the television blaring commercials while a child jumps up and down on the old beaten couch with an energetic gust floats to the next window which is dark and inside is the woman crying softly to herself and hiccuping sobbing the leaf pauses a moment on the broken dish and the man storms inside shouting and cursing and the leaf is again in the air and it is outside in the wind that is tearing it apart and then the raindrops start and the leaf begins its descent to the gutter and it falls. |
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By Eithne (Eithne) on Wednesday, February 13, 2002 - 10:43 am
Oooh, Alma Dea this is so pretty. I love it. I'm finding it really hard to critique this exercise so that's really all I have to say. Lovely. |
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By John (John) on Wednesday, February 13, 2002 - 01:43 pm
yes, quite lovely. I'm glad you let it build up...It starts just as a leaf, and becomes a beautiful vignette of people. Like the Red Violin, maybe: so sweet |
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By Anonymous on Wednesday, February 13, 2002 - 03:21 pm
I love the way the leaf witnesses the human scenes as it floats about on the wind. I am very charmed by your writing and the leaf's point of view in the rain. (Reminds me of that scene in Delicatessen where there is a view of all activity in every room in the apartment building, all of them connected by rhythm.) Looking at people having private moments is very powerful. I like your style. |
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By Anonymous on
Wednesday, February 13, 2002 - 03:26 pm
I want to add to what Eithne said about how hard it is to critique this exercise/assignment. It's cool to look at the writing without punctuation because it's as though, where, the punctuation divides and organizes the thought or story...in these, the sentence parts and imagination of the writer organize the story, kinda naked, but not self conscious or vulnerable. Fascinating! |
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By KateC (Katec)
on Thursday, February 14, 2002
- 10:03 am
This is beautiful. The last moments of a leaf are so evocative of autumn. I love the part about the moths and the street lamp, nice touch. |
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By Sarah (Sarah) on Friday, February 15, 2002 - 02:43 pm
Nice piece! You've got the rise and fall of the leaf and the story in synch and it's all very compact and effective. Was all the alliteration part of a plan or did it happen on its own..? |
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