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By Eithne (Eithne) on Tuesday, February 05, 2002 - 08:42 pm
The cops have formed walls all around us in full riot gear protective shields gasmasks batons ready to crack open heads as they inch forward one sideways step at a time corralling us like doomed cattle in our pen while paddy wagons full of plastic handcuffs wait to the side ready for the inevitable mass arrest of those conspiring to block the sacred public thoroughfare of all peaceful citizens going to work to make this country good and strong and undefeatable like the police department would like us to believe their forces are as they move closer and closer pushing us together and surrounding us on all sides so that dispersing or escaping is not an option and people are starting to panic while the pulsing of plastic bucket war drums intensifies and the rhythmic chanting turns to shouting turning to a fervor of screaming and we are one in resistance as the first rock flies striking bulletproof shield igniting the fire of chaos and riots while people are pushing and running in circles their eyes full of fear turning quickly to excruciating pain as the first hint of teargas begins to fill the square and there is still no escape from the billy clubs waiting in every direction and all we can do is be pushed along by the might of the mass as it erupts collectively forward towards one of the walls of police and the force of hundreds surging forward crushing anyone who dares to go against it takes on a life of it�s own and we become one giant monster of will and instinct our hands clutching each others backs and shoulders and hands and hair desperate to stay afloat in this vicious flow of bodies robbed of any will of their own our feet no longer even toucing the ground we are a sea of molten lava indiscriminately destroying everyone in it�s path and I can think only of Pele as the fiercely peppered air fills with the smell of smoke and blood and all I can see is red and all I can hear is the roar of what we have become. |
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By Eithne (Eithne) on Wednesday, February 13, 2002 - 11:19 am
Oops, I put a period at the end. Just ignore it, it's not supposed to be there. |
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By Anonymous on Wednesday, February 13, 2002 - 03:07 pm
This is very well executed. Your handling of subject, development of chaotic events and choice of words actually do for the reader what the punctuation would do - you put boundaries around the events by punctuating it with movement of segments of story. It's extremely lively and vivid, so full of palpable descriptions of movement, sound, smells, and visuals that the lack of puncuation is invisible, if that makes sense! You really answered the assignment well! |
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By KateC (Katec) on Thursday, February 14, 2002 - 10:27 am
I love the way the energy builds, the police quickly changing a peaceful demonstration into complete chaos and finally into a sea of molten lava. This is so vivid. I was pulled in completely, and the last three lines or so especially left me awestruck. |
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By Sarah (Sarah) on
Friday, February 15, 2002 - 02:36 pm
This is really a great piece! The energy build-up and the descriptions are very effective. You might think of how omitting "doomed" in "doomed cattle" and "sacred" in "sacred public thouroughfare" could strengthen the phrases. (Less is more, kind of thing.) I like! |
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By Anonymous
on Monday, February 18, 2002 - 08:29 pm
This would probably transfer well as a Bob Dylan song. |
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By Anonymous
on Monday, February 25,
2002 - 10:08 pm
There's a nice sense of superorganisms. Both cops and protestors seem to be just collections of movement, mass and sound. And then they merge.... even the language the narrator uses contributes to that feeling, using a few phrases that sound like dogma, which in always dehumanizing (for good or bad). Then it breaks down to the individual at the end of the rush of phrases and it's unclear in my mind if the narrator is proud, afraid or just commenting on what they've become. |
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