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By KateC (Katec) on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 02:39 pm
Pools of rainwater mirror neon in a poisonous glow as a deep, insistent thrumming wells up from Doc Ricketts Lab, the underground nightclub. The dance floor is definitely heating up. Doc would not be amused. Full-throttle oncoming train, screaming accordioned metal, sparks geysering from the tracks: his name may be scratched on a graveyard slab somewhere, but nobody remembers. Nobody knows about the pale squid, the young sharks with their ventimiglia, the crustaceans and barnacles collected to the majesty of Bach fugues grinding out of an ancient phonograph. Now Doc Ricketts is a euphemism for hunger and longing and excitement. Doc�s, lets go to Doc�s! Longing and loneliness come in rushes, tinkles, and borborygmi and cannot be ignored. The steep, rickety stairway no longer plunges down to the dank laboratory. The dance floor squirms with a swarm of people packed tightly as mackerel from the defunct canneries, twisting and writhing to the Cubes playing You shook me all night long. Outside, gusts of wind stir up the icy black water in the bay. White caps rise up in an angry froth. The rows of specimen jars, the stinging reek of formaldehyde, and the dusty old record cases have vanished long ago, and Doc will never find his way home. Note: Ventimiglia is a made-up word for the gill slits on a shark. |
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By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 22,
2002 - 05:35 pm
The feel of this piece is great, floor squirms with a swarm of people, that is so vivid. well done. I like , stinging reek, too. The anger in this work gives it electricity. I read this for the first time a few days ago and some of things writen here have stuck with me. |
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By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 08:00 pm
There's a lot of conviction in your writing, very admirable. It's also informative without patronizing the reader. I like the ghost-like POV of Doc himself, disapproving of what's become of his place...and the irony of the throng of pleasure-seeking moderns who don't remember or respect the sacred ground. You express all of that really well without making a cliche of it! What is borborygmi? This brings me to your use of hard and soft g sounds, really enjoyable and effective throughout. "Angry" froth is consistent with that, but I think you might consider omitting angry as that feeling is very well established... also, "tinkles" makes me giggle (!), and grows on me in subsequent reads. Your descriptions of the lab and the icy black sea come across like paintings and photographs. Very nice! |
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By Eithne (Eithne) on
Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 11:17 am
I disagree about the �angry froth�. I like it. I think it establishes a continuity between the train�s angry sounds, Docs presumed displeasure, and the ocean itself. I suppose, whitecaps are inherently a bit angry, but I like being reminded. The only thing I might change is the final sentence. I�d like, �Doc will never find his way home� to be a separate sentence. It would be more final and would put a nice stop to the rythm |
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By KateC (Katec) on
Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 02:25 pm
Explanation: Borborygmi, rushes, and tinkles are the noises of a distressed digestive system. |
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By Anonymous
on Thursday, January 24, 2002 - 10:40
am
"Nobody knows about the pale squid, the young sharks with their ventimiglia, the crustaceans and barnacles collected to the majesty of Bach fugues grinding out of an ancient phonograph." What a gorgeous and effective sentence! It fills me with a feeling akin to sentimentality... sadness and beauty all in one. I very much enjoyed the effect of rythm in the piece. The long languid sentences and the short staccato ones enhance one another. For what it's worth: I like "angry froth" and I think the phrase "and Doc will never find his way home" works well as the end of a sentence, as opposed to on it's own... (There is a rythm shift there that's not 100% comfortable, but it could be naturalized by adding 2 or 3 syllables just before the beginning of the last part of the phrase.) I really enjoyed the piece! |
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By Anonymous
on Monday, January 28,
2002 - 08:29 pm
I fall on the like "angry froth" side. I'm also very fond of the first nine words, to read and the physical act of saying them. "Borborygmi" sticks out a bit too much for my ear but it's such a great word not to use. I enjoyed the wind and surfs angry complaint about the transition from Bach fugues to AC/DC covers. |
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