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By Kate (Kate) on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 04:33 pm
Slithering silently down the stairs of her home, aware of every creak, she sneaks through the predawn darkness into the kitchen. This is the first month in seven years that she has not been woken up to the clamor of children. That precious newfound stillness in the morning has made getting out of bed and entirely new experience. The first trespasser of the morning is the youngest, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and padding barefoot into the bright lights of the kitchen. Mutely she shuffles off to the table to await breakfast. Thump, thump, thump, thump�crash! Both boys shatter the silence with their entrance. The morning has truly begun. Their mother sets down her coffee and flips on the radio. Like a well-choreographed dancer she produces breakfasts and lunches placing it all deftly where it belongs. The din continues to rise after the children have eaten, reaching a new height as the television is turned on and the children scamper to find socks, shoes, and jackets. The pandemonium reaches it�s final crescendo as their father stomps into the room barking at the children to hurry and head out the door. Cup of coffee in hand, their mother gives each one a kiss as they head out the door and slam it behind them. The ensuing silence falls like a heavy curtain at the end of an act. With the morning over, she prepares to start her day and exits stage left. |
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By Eithne (Eithne) on Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 10:37 am
Sounds familiar, although altogether more organized then my house. I like the final sentence. It really ties the piece together and makes it complete. You have definitely portrayed the crescendo effect well, the piece builds, it crashes, and then it fades out. Cool. �Their mother sets down her coffee�� Something about this sudden shift in tense bothers me. I suppose �She sets down her coffee�.� would be a little redundant. The more I read it the less it bothers me so maybe it doesn�t matter. I think I�d choose another word besides Slithering to start off. While slithering silently sounds very nice, it sticks out a bit, as mothers don�t generally slither. Of course the exercise was really about sound and it does sound good |
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By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 10:55 am
I love that first sentence! I can hear the creak and feel the almost light. And I get that feeling of precious stillness that's about to be broken... And I love the image of the mom moving as a well-choreographed dancer does. In fact, I'd enjoy having some of that detailed out a bit more: what litany of actions does she go through in order to produce the meals? The final line gives the feeling that something exciting might be about to occur, and acts like a teaser. Nice. |
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By KateC (Katec) on Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 07:01 pm
Nice job of capturing family morning chaos. The part about turning on the radio and doing her breakfast dance was reminiscent of one of those coin-operated mechanical displays. You drop in a quarter, music starts, a door opens, and out she comes and does her routine. Then the music stops, she exits, and the door snaps shut. The clattering sound effects of the kids augment this well. Behind the scenes her "real day" goes on. I wonder what's happening backstage. |
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By Eithne (Eithne)
on Thursday, January 24, 2002 - 09:35 am
Don't get me wrong, I loved the first sentence too. It really sets the fade-in sort of feel at the begining. I'm just a little put off by "slithering". It makes me picture her coming down the stairs on her belley:-) Slipping silently, or something less reptilian would stand out less(but be more predictable). Though the snake imagry does very nicely convey the feeling of this silent mother carefully coming out of her hole, I start to think of the children as mice, probably not what the author was going for. The more I read this the more I appreciate the fade in climax fade out, theater aspect of it. Very nicely done. |
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By AlmaDea (Almadea)
on Friday, January 25, 2002 -
12:32 am
I am late. I left my piece in my work computer. I will post it tomorrow, but wanted to critique tonight. I agree with KateC and Eithne above. I think that the 'theatrical" aspect of the piece is very well done. The building pandemonium is nerve-wracking, just as I would image it to be in reality. Some questions: 1) I am not sure what is going on in the beginning. Why is this "the first month in seven years that she has not been woken up to the clamor of children"? (Maybe not being a mama makes this unclear to me.) Did she just discover that she can wake up earlier than the kids? Are the kids waking up later? 2) What did the mama do before the first child makes her entrance? Maybe describing this will make the transition more jolting, creating more contrast to the chaos that follows. |
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By Katie (Katie) on Tuesday, January 29, 2002 - 09:40 pm
The narrator creates a wonderful conflict between calm and clamor throughout the piece. "The ensuing silence falls..." line is so powerful. When I first read it, I felt like holding my breath so as not to ruin the moment. "...and exits stage left" pushes the metaphor too far for me though. It seems to take away from the finality of the previous line. I especially like the first and last sentences as well. The different footstep sounds identify the characters well, especially *padding*. It reminds me of when I was little, youngest of four kids (at the time), always sent to bed first. I would stay awake and play a game where I would try to guess who was ascending the stairs by the sound and rhythm of their footsteps. But anyway... Hard to capture in writing; great job. I want to hear a quote from the barking dad. What did he sound like? Was he really mean or just tired and in a hurry? |
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By
John (John) on Thursday, January 31, 2002 - 12:53 pm
Details, details.....This place is great, this theatre of padding children, barking papas, and dancer mammas. But I feel like there's too many placeholders instead of props. What does the papas bark out? Can you quote that? What IS the shattering CRASH of the boy's entrance? What's for breakfast? Are lunches all "brown bag" or "Picachu plastic"? Please work on this more, if only for me. The setting is so real, from the opening slither---to the stage left exit. They're perfect. I want to be there, more there. |
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