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By Elisabeth (Elisabeth) on Sunday, January 20, 2002 - 12:02 am
Below the water, below the water blue, Blue Whale bends below the ebb and flow of tide and divers. Bending below the divers� gaze, gazing through goggles, Blue Whale sings slow. Diving down it�s dark and singing slow, throwing sound through water�s sonar switchbacks. Echo down, down, down and echo down again below. Sound past Octopus he is waiting and blinking. Blinking past eel she is graceful and dark. Blue whale�s sound sails through stalwart seaweed. Seaweed sways with sideways wands of lacy plants, pink and gold. Gold and pink and spotted, sea anenome winks at Blue Whale. All the while Blue Whale moves, singing, sometimes pausing sound for silence�s sake�and singing again superbly. Notes sonar-bouncing and squeaking all around. Descending slightly and past silver squid at full speed, sipping salty wine on the snow sandy way. Bat ray best likes the echoing sounds of brine and hides, listening, in sneaky camouflage against the sand spotted sea floor. He sits quietly in surround sound as suits him just a second, and just a second more. Just a second more he glides away again. It�s very dark and color clears as vivid darkness colors go, in liquid sound of deepest sea. Sea turtle keeps the de-coded secret safe, safe as a shell is certain to be. Sea-full of secrets and turtles and sound. Sound of Blue Whale moving along singing and singing slow. |
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By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 22,
2002 - 05:24 pm
This passage has the ebb and flow of the sea itself. Doubling up on the words makes it feel like the words are the ocean itself. The alliteration assists in the flow, excellently done. A sentence here or there might be tweaked so that they don't stand out as chopy, like the third sentence, I felt it didn't flow as much. |
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By Eithne (Eithne) on Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 11:03 am
Grrrrrrrr!!!!! I posted a message here a while ago and it disappeared!!! I�m trying again, forgive me if the last one shows up eventually and I end up with a double post. Wow, this is beautiful! Really fun to read out loud. I like the way it forces your tounge to make a constant ssssssssssss sound. This should really be read out loud if everyone hasn�t already. This piece makes me want to paint swirling spiral paintings of bubbles and octopi with my hands. I�m not sure exactly how to articulate this; but this writing summons all kinds of tactile sensation. The feeling of Jell-O squishing through fingers. The way my violin vibrates under my chin. Opalescent blue green paint. The mystery of stuff that glows in the dark. Truly Gorgeous! This would make an awesome children�s picture book. |
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By KateC (Katec) on Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 11:13 am
I'm not much of a swimmer, but while reading this passage, I really had the feeling of gliding underwater. The word juxtapositions are unexpected, like "Seaweed sways with sideways wands," and "Sea-full of secrets and turtles and sound," along with the alliteration, give it an other-world quality and draw me into the flow. Very fine. |
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By Anonymous on
Thursday, January 24, 2002 - 10:12 am
Beautiful! I love the sense of play in this piece. It sounds as if you had fun writing it! Great word choices! |
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By AlmaDea (Almadea)
on Friday, January 25, 2002 -
12:14 am
I am late. I left my writing piece at my work computer. I will post it tomorrow, but want to critique today. I LOVED this. I think that this piece best completed the assignment, and is beautiful as well. I agree, the use of alliteration is gorgeous and really works well with the subject. I can't even begin to dissect this piece as it all hangs so solidly together. All the sentences led to each other and blended beautifully together. The descriptions of each of the creatures- the whale, anemone, octopus, bat ray and sea turtle were all very apt with their characters-- the words used for each creature were very unusual and yet appropriate. |
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By Anonymous
on Monday, January 28,
2002 - 08:52 pm
This was mentioned but the flow from sentence to sentence is what really makes it work for me. Nice how you achieve that flow with different effects, rhyme, starting the next sentence with ending work of the previous sentence, referencing images, etc. The physical rythym that builds from this is wonderful. |
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By
Katie (Katie) on Tuesday, January 29, 2002 - 08:23 pm
Blue whale makes me tingle! S/He sings and echoes and we hear a song that is so distant yet sharp and vivid (visually as well) and ssssmooth and sssoft. Nice use of repetition without ever actually repeating yourself. I agree, I thought about trying to dissect this piece and then I thought, why? Sounds great! |
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By
Anonymous on Thursday, January 31,
2002 - 11:49 am
This piece would likely captivate a room full of second graders, which as you all may know is not an easy accomplishment. I like it. |
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By John
(John)
on
Thursday, January 31, 2002 - 12:39 pm
Okay, so I didn't even bother finishing this the first time, just an alliterative thing about whales...whatever. If it wasn't for the rave reviews that would have been it, really. So I went back and read it out loud and, well, now I'm completely in it. I'm almost never able to hear alliteration without viewing it as a facile device, but here, it has become a complete part of the piece. It IS the voice, instead of being what the voice says. My only suggestion, and it's merely a thrashing about, is maybe suggesting that you find some opening hook? Or perhaps format the piece as a poem? These words fit so well together, and the places we go with them are so beautiful...thank you. |
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