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By Sarah (Sarah) on Saturday, January 19, 2002 - 10:30 am
She has found a place, a quiet place, to sit and eat her lunch. The others are all crammed into the break-room chattering about children and grandchildren and recipes almost ruined. The sun warms her face, and she closes her eyes. She smiles as her sightless hand reaches up to unhasp the badge from her breast. Her ears pick up the distant thrum of the highway, and other than that...just birds... Chipper chipper chipp. Twitter twitter twitt. Thripp thripp. Caaaaaaaaaaaw! Caaaaaaaaaaaw! Caaaaaw!Caaaaaw! "Crow flies! Crow flies west!" Caw! Chipper chipper. "Like we care," chipper chip...thripp thripp "we are brown and round and like it here...with seeds..." Caw! Caw! "I am Crow! I am Crow! I am Crow!!" Caaaaw! Caw!! Twitter twit twitter twit twitter twit. Thripp thripp thripp! "A name is a name is a name. We are who we are!" Caw! Ca-c-c-c-caw!!!! "Crow knows names! Many names! Crow is Crow!!" Caw! Caw! "Crow will go to Ckgrageractk!" Caw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw! "Ckgrakeractk!" Twitter twitter twit. Twitter twitter twit. Caw-aw! "Where the blackberries grow and man has dropped glittery, gleaming, gorgeous shiny things!" Caw!Caw! Twitter. twitter. "There goes the crow." Thripp thripp... "seeds..." Time passes and Marge awakens abruptly from a dream of flying over hills and trees and rivers of gray, all the while with a lucsious berry in her mouth, and her talons tightly gripping something heavy and cold and perfectly round. |
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By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 22,
2002 - 05:11 pm
There is a lot of movement in this and I love the rythm and flow. I can hear the crows as I read -- you hit the nail on the head. It is a little confusing at the end... I am not sure who Marge is, is she the one from the beginning? |
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By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 07:27 pm
This is an engaging piece of writing -- did you make up "unhasp"? This works well as a better onomonaepia (sp?) than unclasp. Nice choice. You've done a marvelous job with the phonetic bird sounds, t's, c, g, k, t sounds, crackly sounds like seeds. I was right there with the thrum of the highway in the background. I'm intrigued by the transition back to reality, or sub-reality (?) of Marge with the berry and shiny object in her talons. I imagine a shiny metal object, and feel eager for what follows. I wonder if it would suit your intention to substitute "awakens abruptly from a dream" for different words in the transition from one bird reality to hers and what happens next? |
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By Eithne (Eithne) on
Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 09:26 am
I just love the imagery at the end. Very much reflects my own thoughts on crows and their ways. I love the word 'unhasp'. Is she wearing a badge solely for the purpose of unhasping it?:-)Great word. I tend to agree that Marge's intro at the end is a bit confusing. How about, "Time passes and she awakens from a dream...", or, if you want to use Marge for the sound of it use her name at the beginning as well "Marge smiles as her sightless hand...". This is all asuming that Marge is the same person as 'She'. If she's someone else all together then you should keep writing and explain this. |
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By KateC (Katec) on
Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 11:26 am
I like the way the sound magnifies right after she closes her eyes at the beginning and after she unhasps the badge. Great word, "unhasp," and I had the feeling that the unhasping opens a door for the sound of the birds to come through. The bird sounds are gorgeous; I could hear them vividly. I wonder if she had some blackberries in her lunch, and one of them made its way into her dream. I love the ending. "Heavy and cold and perfectly round" makes me want to read on and on. |
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By AlmaDea (Almadea)
on Thursday, January 24, 2002 -
11:29 pm
I am late. I left my writing piece at my work computer. I will post it tomorrow, but want to critique today. I really liked the bird sounds- they were very real. I have heard crows go, "Ckgrageractk!" I have the same issues about the use of "she' and "Marge." Are one or two people involved? Otherwise, I thought that it was well done. Sounds like some of my lunch breaks. |
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By Katie (Katie) on Tuesday, January 29, 2002 - 08:49 pm
Very fun to read aloud! Way to start with rhythm and sound reminders then let us in on what is being said throughout. **Twitter twit twitter twit twitter twit. Thripp thripp thripp! "A name is a name is a name. We are who we are!"** I like the effect of placing quotation marks only around the "English" words. It makes one set into a translation of the other, respectful of the simplistic beauty. Flows nicely. I love the phrase, "unhasp the badge," but I don't know what it means. |
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By
John (John) on Thursday, January 31, 2002 - 04:35 pm
Yah yah....the blesh of English and birdspeak is well done, masterful even. And unhasp brings scrumptious thoughts to one�s mind....perhaps all introductory paragraphs should involve breasts? It just seems so much more, you know, professional? ;) 'Gardless. While the last sentence is good, language is still very strong and all, the "Dorothy out of Oz" aspect is weak. We allowed that birds speak us, we allowed that our character understands them....if transition is required (is it?) does it really need to satisfy physical possibility? Either dump the end, or make it fulfill the promise of a fantastic world. We are there with you�.and we do not need to look back. |
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